on fear.

"...yeah, but what is it, really, that's keeping me
From living a life that's true?
When the worries speak louder than wisdom,
It drowns out all the answers I knew.
So I'm tossed on the waves of that surface;
Still, the mystery's dark and deep,
With a much more frightening stillness...
Underneath."
--David Wilcox, Underneath

I've been ruminating again on the purposes of pain and fear in our souls, what roles they play and how to master them. I came to the conclusion years ago as I prepared to give birth to my fourth child that pain has a powerful effect on us when we let it; it makes us immeasurably stronger when faced with all of our courage, or it breaks us down and shows us how weak we can be when it's not. It has been a powerful lesson for me and remains incredibly important for me, especially as I prepare to birth my sixth child.

But what of fear?

It seems that fear is a different animal entirely, more elusive, more difficult to control, and more threatening, whether real or imagined. It takes bravery to stare down pain, but it takes something different, I think, to master fear.

I've always been intrigued by the apostle John's take on the subject: "Perfect love banishes fear".

Perfect love.

Banishes!

Fear.

It's a lot to take in, if we're honest. But if we look deep into the underneath, what it is that ultimately motivates us to get past the crippling fear we experience? When all we have is an incomplete equation and we're forced to find the answer or to fail, is it not a deeper love that rises to cast out that fear?

So then the question becomes personal: how do I develop that kind of love? I suppose it's a discipline of the heart and of the mind, one that chooses to say,
"I'm afraid for the people of Haiti...but I love them more and so will not do nothing."

"I'm scared to take this huge, life-altering step and I don't know what lies on the other side, but I love more than I fear, and so I will not be paralyzed."

"Life can be dangerous and painful and even cut short, but to live is to love, and so I will live fully."

And what a strange, beautiful paradox that love leads us to such vulnerability that we can be so affected by fear, and yet is so much stronger than the fear when we cultivate it and take the risk to find out if our love is really strong enough to banish the fear, underneath.

--Teri.