ch-ch-ch-changes…
Posted on May 25, 2011 by Teri
I’m sitting in a Starbucks in the Springs right now, surrounded by…empty chairs. And a dude immersed in a newspaper. And another dude immersed in his laptop. And another dude immersed in…wait. There are no immersed women in here! Except me.
Glorious.
Ohdang. A lady just sat down next to me, and she looks friendly. No!!
So why am I here? That might not be a question any of you would have to ask yourselves, but I have to have a pretty good justification for doing this. I’m in between appointments today, and am taking some time, at long last, just to be by myself. Christopher’s working at home today and is watching the kids for me.
I pretty much quit 75% of my life this week, and decided to make the remaining 25%, 100% for the time being. I hit a wall a couple of weeks ago and finally, finally, f i n a l l y realized that I could not keep up the frenetic pace of family and professional life that I’ve been trying to juggle, adding a new ball here and there since Asa’s birth, and usually ending up dropping most of them. The fragile ball of my family life is always the first to drop, and it has cracked in several places. It’s time for some reparative work and also to hold that sacred circle close and not let it drop or be juggled any more. The kids couldn’t be happier, though they never would have said so before, thinking I was happier with them on the back burner. Wake-up call!!
So I resigned as both Secretary and member of our local doula association; I put the word out that I will no longer be actively seeking birth photography clients, or doula clients, and I also put in a request for an indefinite hiatus from my work as a trainer through Childbirth International.
Some of those ties were very sad to have to break, though I’m confident that I can pick this up when I am better suited to it, but the effect of all this freedom has been staggering. I suddenly found my love of cooking again. I read several chapters of a book that I actually *wanted* to read. I discovered how much my baby really needs to hold me, and how much my toddler wants to have conversations with me, to debate with me, and to help me with tasks I never would have let him attempt before. I found out that Ben isn’t the only boy of mine who desperately needs a good throw-down about 3 times a day, and that Isaac’s anger management problem is probably in large part due to a lack of discipline on my part. I learned that Gabe is suddenly growing up on me and losing that small boyish face and starting to look an awful lot like a blonde-haired, blue-eyed version of his MawMaw. How handsome!! I discovered that Bonnie is patiently waiting for so much from me, and I re-learned where each of my children are excelling, and where they are struggling. I found out about their hopes and dreams for a happier family, a fun summer, and a larger family vision. This shouldn’t be new to me, but I guess I just haven’t been listening. It’s a shame.
But it’s a shame I’m rectifying now, before it’s too late and these little balls bounce away from me for good, out of the circle of our family influence. So I think it’s worth the sacrifice, and I feel so much lighter and more free, even though I just took most of my life-dreams and put them away for another time. Some of them might die while they’re on the shelf, I don’t know. But I think I’m okay with that, and I think I can finally be awake enough now to stop missing the really great moments which, it turns out, are a lot closer to home than I let myself believe.
–Teri.
