We went in Tuesday to see our midwife and find out the sex of Baby #6; we were, well, shocked to find out that we're having yet another boy, especially after Bonnie and I took such delight in picking out all that pink quilt fabric and the pieces were already coming together. Bonnie began to cry during the ultrasound as soon as Jessica announced that he's a boy, and I've spent the remainder of the week in a state of mild befuddlement over what the cosmic plan is for my raising half the planet's testosterone in my own house. I told Bonnie that evening that, while I'm sad we don't get our little girl we've been waiting for, I can't help but be thankful for the gorgeous toes and fingers and ribs we see moving around on the ultrasound screen, obvious signs of a healthy, happy baby; so many people don't get healthy, whole babies. And yet, despite my preaching that perspective, I've felt a growing jealousy of every little girl I've seen all week, and I've felt a little resentful that we weren't getting our girl. We're 22 weeks along, by the way.
Enter the story of Shauna, my classmate from high school, who is 2 weeks behind me in her pregnancy. She was going in yesterday to find out the sex of her baby; I jokingly wrote on her Facebook page yesterday, "If you end up with a girl, wanna trade? I have 5 healthy boys to choose from!"
I'm glad Facebook has a delete button.
I confess that I stewed a little bit all afternoon yesterday, sure that Shauna would come home from her appointment and post to Facebook that she was having a girl, and being preemptively envious of her good fortune. But the afternoon waned on, and no word came. Then one of her sisters posted something alarming about praying for her sister, and then her other sister posted something similar. By this morning, the story was out that Shauna found out yesterday that she was having twin boys, and that she was in labor. There was twin-to-twin transfusion happening, and the excess fluid caused by this put her into labor; she was fully dilated by the time she felt a contraction. The boys, Luke and Josh, lived for 15 minutes last night, and then slipped away.
My sweet little healthy boy is kicking away in my belly as I type, and I have never been more grateful, or more shamed.
--Teri.
3 comments:
Teri- My heart hurts for your sweet friend. I am so sorry to hear this news.
I am, however, thrilled to hear you are having another boy. It seems to me that you were made to mother and whether God grants you with boys or girls- what a blessing. I know baby boy #5 will be loved on just as much as baby girl #1. Perhaps baby girl #2 will be baby #7???
I love you and your sweet heart. Prayers for you and your friend.
Hey T. I, too, am sad for your friend. I'll pray for her and family.
I should have contacted you two weeks ago when I felt the push to do so. A boy! You know I'm rather fond of those. Have a few myself! I am happy to hear all is healthy and well with your baby. Write if you have time--
Hello Teri,
My name is Jenna and I am one of the editors of a magazine called "The Birth Project." I'd love to include this blog entry ("A Hard Lesson in Gratitude") in our next issue (along with a link to your site, and proper credit, of course!). I think it is beautifully written and even though it is a difficult topic, discussing baby-loss awareness is important.
Let me know if you're interested: EMail: jenna[at]birthproject.com
Thank you!
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